Relationships · Self reflection · Writing

Thoughts from a late night

There are a lot of things in transition.

Still.

I’m not complaining. Life is labyrinthine. Being flexible has always been a skill that I’ve tried to cultivate in myself. 

In times like this, I think about storms. 

Spending my formative years in Missouri, I saw a lot of storms, especially in the spring and early summer. I saw a twister once, a small thing, really, as I drove my car down a country road soon after getting my license at age sixteen. I slowed down to about five miles an hour and watched it twist this way and that like a cobra while I held a white-knuckled grip on my steering wheel. It dissipated within a minute, but I’ll always remember the momentary panic, and that exhilarating mixture of terror and awe. 

Storms are incredible in their right. They help reshape landscapes, marking new pathways and stimulating growth in areas that may have otherwise remained stagnant. 

I’ve seen and heard my fair share of trees fall. It’s always the big old ones that go, in the majority of storms. The flexible, bendy trees weather storms the best. 

And that’s what I’ve aspired to. Be the bendy tree. Weather the storm. 

Those of us who have come through abuse, especially when that abuse has come at a young age, know how difficult it is to trust instinct. 

We’re all pretty familiar with the phrase, “You seek out that which is familiar.” Victims of childhood abuse often get abused by adult partners, mistaking red flag personality behaviors as expressions of love and affection. Similarly, abusers often condition victims into believing that their instincts or feelings are falsehoods, or to be distrusted.

That’s why, when I feel an instinctive need to change my life’s course, I tend to doubt it. 

My instincts have been screaming at me the last few weeks. And, by and large, I’ve been ignoring it. But somethings got to give. 

Since I haven’t made any formal decisions, and since my thought process is still fluid, I do not feel comfortable divulging what, exactly, is occuring. 

I will state, however, that it has to do with college, writing, artwork, family, and my current geographic location. And for those who might be wondering, my relationship with Larson is fantastic. I’m so happy that I finally found someone who is one hundred percent supportive, honest, and trustworthy. He’s one of my favorite people.

Things change, and I can smell the oncoming storm in the air. I’m frightened. Terrified. Ecstatic. 

Most of all, I’m filled with hope.

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